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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

Think about This

January 22, 1993

Coming out to your kid is easier than you think

by Mike Radice

It's the 90's, and queers are coming out all over the place. It wasn't so even just ten years ago. Today, many of us discuss "who we love" with parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, and even strangers. For some of us, the coming out process has uncovered a few land mines. However, for the most part, we've realized that telling the truth about who we love has enabled us to live honestly and freely.

Despite our confidence in being able to proclaim our queerness, there remains at least one group that we continue to fear: the children in our lives. I am including in this category our natural born, adopted, and foster children, as well as nieces and nephews, younger siblings, and children that we

mentor.

Almost all of us have at least one or two children in our lives and, yes, we need to come out to them regardless of how old they are. First, I'll explain why. Then, I'll explain how.

First, there is the question of honesty. Kids pick up on the mystery of secrets. They recognize the existence of a deception, although they can't always pinpoint what it's about, and the deception damages your relationship with them. Because children and adolescents are great imitators, the relationship pattern they have with you will be copied and transplanted into their relationships with other people. As we all know, loneliness, frustration, and hurt are byproducts of relationships built on deception. None of us want that for the children in our lives.

Second, it enables them to be more

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SMYTHE.

sensitive to diversity. There are tons of homophobes out there, and you certainly don't want to create another by sitting on your queer identity. Also, by letting the child know that you, a person that they love. and trust are happy and secure as a queer, will teach him or her that gays and lesbians are people to be honored and respected. It. will help empower the young person to defend you and our kind against homophobes. Kids don't tolerate assaults on their “adult loved ones."

Now for the "how" question. Discussing serious matters with children, in a way in which they can understand, should be varied based on their age, intellectual ability, and life circumstances. For example, showing your three-year-old the film Torch Song Trilogy would be a mistake, as the child would lack the intellectual skills necessary to understand the movie's messages.

What follows are a few rules of thumb for outing yourself to children. Because this column is limited by space restrictions and your tolerance for my prose, the suggestions are brief and general. If you would like ideas that are more specific to your situation, write to me at the Chronicle, include a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and I will mail you some suggestions.

Before you come out to a child, be sure to come out to the other adult family members in the child's life. Be sure that parents, grandparents, etc., all know. If these people demonstrate trouble accepting your queerness, they will very likely undermine your efforts to maintain your relationship with the child, and you'll want to prepare for that. If the young person is yours, and these adults are having trouble with your being

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Some books to read with children

Asha's Mums

by Rosamund Elwin

Belinda's Bouquet by Leslea Newman Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite

The Daddy Machine

by Johnny Valentine

The Duke Who Outlawed Jelly Beans, and Other Stories by Johnny Valentine

The Entertainer

by Michael Willhoite

queer, tell them that they'll have to sit on their feelings in the presence of your child, and that you don't want them interfering in the relationship. If the child is not yours, secure permission from the parent or legal guardian before coming out to their child. Again, if you don't clear the way with the other adults in the child's life, your efforts will end up being hurt in the crossfire. will certainly be undermined, and the child

Coming out to a child is very much like coming out to an adult. The two of you

should be alone. The television and stereo should be turned off. Speak to the child directly, offering full eye contact, and treat her or him as a peer. Kids like to be treated seriously when confronted about serious matters. If you're coming out to an adolescent or young adult, do it over a pizza at midnight, on a non-school night, at the kitchen table. A "midnight pizza" has a mystery drug in it that causes an adolescent or young adult's barriers to drop, thus making thoughts and feelings flow.

For elementary-age kids, and more sophisticated pre-school-age kids, begin your talk with a conversation about love between straight couples and how they demonstrate their love for each other. Then let that flow into a discussion about how samesex couples have similar feelings and ways of showing their love for each other. Be clear that both types of relationships are genuine and are to be respected. If you are in a relationship, this is the time to tell the child about the nature of that relationship, how it parallels that of a straight couple, and how happy you are with this person. Then label yourself and the relationship as lesbian or gay. If the child interrupts with relevant questions, answer them. If she or he interrupts in an effort to switch the focus

Families: A Coloring Book

by Michael Willhoite

The Generous Jefferson Bartleby Jones

by Forman Brown

Gloria Goes to Gay Pride by Leslea Newman

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman

How Would You Feel If Your Dad Was Gay?

by Ann Heron and Meredith

of the conversation, kindly redirect the discussion back to the original topic.

When you're finished, ask the child to repeat what you said. Then ask how he or she feels, and check for questions. After the conversation has run its course, normalize the situation by engaging in an activity together that requires interaction between the two of you, such as a game or a trip out for ice cream. Do not turn on the television.

The conversation sequence to use for an adolescent or young adult is basically the same as that for an elementary age child. Add to your talk a conversation about lesbian and gay teen relationships. Delete from your talk the request for her or him to repeat what you just said (they hate that.. it reminds them of school). You might have to dodge a few hardballs with your older kid. The size and velocity of the balls will depend on the kid's history of sexist and homophobic behavior.

After coming out, the real work begins. Continue discussing your queerness with the child, and begin exposing him or her to queer culture. Take the young person to the Pride Festival or a North Coast Men's Chorus concert. Eat at a restaurant or coffee shop that has a noticeably gay clientele. Share a lesbian and gay themed book or movie. Write a joint letter to an elected official about a lesbian and gay civil rights issue. Whatever you do, don't let up.

The message here is to come out early, and to keep coming out throughout the child's life time. Children are young for a very short period of time. Sharing that time with them honestly will make for a richer relationship over the long-term.

Next issue: At what age do we become queer?

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